I was on the phone with a friend who has found herself painted into a corner. A multitude of poor decisions has left her without many options. I dug a little deeper into the story and discovered that most of the decisions had a theme: they were selfish. A simple, “sorry” got her off the hook most of the time. This worked in her 20’s but it started to add up in her 30’s and by mid-life, there is damning evidence of a pattern. Now, with little wiggle room as she watches the paint dry, she has time to think about the next move before she can walk out the door.
Another friend said, “Shea, you have this ability to play it out to the end and see things, that’s not something everyone can do.” I never realized this. In fact, I thought everyone could visualize the end result. I replied with, “You really couldn’t see that your micro-decisions would lead you to where you are now?” she replied, “I mean, maybe. I am just used to having things work out. But I’m also realizing that luck eventually runs out.”
More accurately, people stop buying the bullshit. Or, as St. Augustine said in a more eloquent way, “The future is the logical conclusion of decisions made in the present day.”
So what does it mean to play it out? It means that you live in the reality of what you’re facing. You don’t pretend otherwise and you take an assessment of the situation and the people in it. You have to be honest with yourself, what you want and what it means to do the right thing by all. You cannot outsmart the karmic balancing of the universe in the long-run.
So, how does one apply logic to emotional decision making in order to “Play it out?”
Use this 5-Step Decision Making Matrix:
Slow down. My guess is that you are going at a speed that you cannot keep up with. This pace is your choice and will continue to be until you put the brakes on and decide to ground yourself. This is probably extremely difficult for you, especially if you run on adrenaline. The highs are high and the lows are low. Should you opt to slow down prior to hitting the wall, you will have to face your feelings with honesty.
Face your feelings. Remember what Dr. Susan David says, “Your feelings are data, not direction.” It can be difficult to feel things - confusing actually because we’re trained to believe that we must produce something from our feelings. Nope. We just need to feel them, explore the emotions that come up and logically decide what they are telling us. No need to decide at the moment. I would actually advise against that.
Seek advice. There are a handful (2-5) people who I deeply trust to give me valuable feedback about how to make decisions. One is a therapist, another is a coach and then a few friends who think very differently. I intentionally have friends that think systematically and those who are highly intuitive. Both help me see what I’m missing.
Focus on your character. You cannot rely on God, the Universe, or karma to help you make a decision. What you decide is your free-will, your birthright to do what you please. It’s the ultimate form of love to have that autonomy. But what you do with it is entirely your choice. Regardless of how others make a move, you will have to decide who you will be in the end. Character and integrity are bound together and show up in your values.
Define your values and how they align with where you want to go. If you haven’t made a list of your values, start by writing down what you can think of (don’t limit yourself), then narrow it down to 5. As a coach, I take you through the values grid which is a process I use to expand the meaning of them in all situations.
This 5 step decision making matrix will help you slow down and make choices about your life with clarity and conviction. As a life coach, I help you work through this process. My suggestion is that you start with little decisions before you work up to the big ones (career, job changes, relationships or finances). It all adds up over time.
the higher a man's call and vision, the more choices are given him. this is our work in creation: to decide. and what we decide is woven into the thread of time and being forever. choose wisely, then, but you must choose. -stephen r. lawhead
-Shea