“The goal is not to re-traumatize you in transition, but give you the agency needed to take control.”
My dad is a builder. Living in northern Michigan has never been easy. The housing crisis, cost of living, etc. has existed long before social media talked about it. To level up, make ends meet and get to our dream property in Suttons Bay, my dad built spec homes. By the time I reached 10th grade, we had moved 12 times and landed in the “forever” house. Within a few years of being there it was time for college, internships and jobs. Finally, in my late 30’s I found my own place. By then I had moved 36 times.
Changing locations so many times left my heart longing for something as simple as a medicine cabinet. My grandmothers each had one in their homes. Everything had a place when I visited. I found a lot of comfort in knowing what to expect. However, I also loved the adventure of new homes and neighborhoods. My mom and dad would share the new floor plan and we could pick our bedroom and design it. It was actually pretty exciting! We lived on a lakes more than once and had backyard best friends in neighborhoods. My dad was known for building an ice rink behind every house and people still talk about it!
If anything, it normalized transitions for me and I learned how to make home happen anywhere.
However, when transition is forced upon us, it can be traumatizing: Death, environmental catastrophes, medical emergencies, physical impairment, financial disruptions and betrayal are just a few to mention. All of these can happen TO US and put us in a reactive state of being. We go into fight or flight. It takes what we knew about the world to be true and says, “You can’t trust it.” Or, worse, “You can’t trust yourself and your judgment of situations.”
For those of you who’d like to master transition after trauma without inducing more pain, I’d like to offer a little guidance. As a coach, I can speak from experience and how I’ve helped clients. The goal is not to re-traumatize you in transition, but give you the agency needed to take control.
There is no map, look for support instead. You aren’t doing anything wrong by not knowing where to turn. Start with your close friends and family and ask for help. You are going to create your own map for healing that is uniquely suited for your situation.
Build Your Support System: therapists, coaches, attorneys, financial planners, etc. Get them up-to-date and be absolutely clear about what happened and what you need. Do not withhold to protect them. Trust that they are capable of managing their emotions. You hired them to help. It’s up to them to understand the scope of your needs. If they don’t get it or can’t empathize, then move on and find someone who can. Time is of the essense.
Expect minor transitions to be surprisingly upsetting. Simple things like: traveling, going into crowds, trying new things, meeting new people or venturing outside of your comfort zone can trigger panic attacks, sadness or fear. Allow yourself to experience new feelings without attaching to them as permanent. Your world has been rearranged which means it’s going to feel very unsettling to be in unfamiliar territory. Routine or systems will become your friend.
Allow feelings. According to Dr. Susan David, “Feelings are data, not direction.” This should come as a relief to know that nothing has to be done with them. However, you have to feel to heal which I call “metabolizing.” You can do this by journaling, moving and having a creative outlets. What you repress will express itself in physical pain or unpredictable reactions to normal interactions. If that feels like too much, consider documenting day to day. Your trauma brain won’t remember details or timelines and this will help.
Give it time. Musician, Trevor Hall says, “You can’t rush your healing.” It’s true. There is no shortcut to making you feel better. The emotional labor is yours alone. You can hire all of the professionals, dedicate yourself to yoga & meditation, cold dip until your lips are purple, run until you can’t feel your feet, travel, talk to your astrologist and get prayed over by every saint you know … but none of it can replace the internal work you will do. Time heals when you do the work and the work is in loving and forgiving yourself.
“Take the madness and turn it into magic. ”
I want to leave you with this: no one gets out of this life without one, two or several unexpected traumas and forced transitions. How you react and move forward will determine the course of your life and the person you will become. You are not alone. Ask for help. Learn to trust yourself day by day and over time, the years will add up.
Life might of happened TO YOU but you can make it FOR YOU. Take the madness and turn it into magic.
I know you can,
Shea