About 10 years ago I became very ill. My immune system went into overdrive and developed an oversensitivity to absolutely everything. I have spoken very openly about this health crisis in hopes that one day, I would network my way into healing. During the day I would fight allergic reactions (known as MCAS) and at night, I would turn into a mad scientist putting the puzzle pieces together.
However, in the thick of it, I was so confused, lost and overwhelmed. I HATED by body and I started to hate myself for not being able to find the answers. Then, one day I made a decision to love my body into health because hating it wasn’t working. In fact, it was creating more shame and anxiety. The lines got blurry.
Eventually, I did self-diagnose and connected with medical professionals who believed me, ran the necessary tests and helped me get the answers I needed. My intuition paired with an inability to accept my illness as anything less than a “temporary set back” brought me to where I am now. I am still on the healing journey as many are. I am not alone. Along the way, I learned a few things …
This path of loving a broken body has translated into learning how to love other parts of myself. It hasn’t been easy in a culture that has such impossible standards for us to reach. I think it was designed that way by companies who sell us on what we lack. What would they sell us if we were already sold on ourselves? Not much.
“What would they sell us if we were already sold on ourselves? Not much. ”
As a coach, I want you to experience loving yourself because this is where the real transformation begins. Lucille Ball said it best, “You must really love yourself to get anything done in this world.” I like to say, “You do not change to love yourself. You love yourself into change.”
In the journey of self-discovery and personal growth, two profound emotions often stand in our way: shame and guilt. These emotions have a way of overshadowing our ability to love and trust ourselves fully. Renowned researcher, Brené Brown and psychotherapist Esther Perel shed light on the intricate relationship between vulnerability, shame, and guilt, and how embracing vulnerability can lead us to love and trust ourselves more deeply.
Understanding the Weight of Shame and Guilt
Shame and guilt are powerful emotions that can hold us captive, preventing us from embracing our authentic selves and experiencing self-love. As Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, has pointed out, "Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging." Guilt, on the other hand, is often related to feeling remorse for specific actions or behaviors.
Both shame and guilt can be paralyzing, making it difficult to trust ourselves or believe we deserve love and connection. They create barriers that hinder our ability to be vulnerable, a critical component of self-acceptance and building healthy relationships.
The Power of Vulnerability
In her research, Brené Brown has highlighted the transformative power of vulnerability. She states, "Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome." Embracing vulnerability means opening ourselves up to the possibility of rejection, failure, or judgment. It's a willingness to be authentic and imperfect.
Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist, emphasizes the importance of vulnerability in intimate relationships. She notes that vulnerability is the key to creating a deeper emotional connection with our partners. The same principle applies to our relationship with ourselves: vulnerability is essential for fostering a deeper connection and love for our own selves.
Practicing Vulnerability
Now, let's explore practical ways to practice vulnerability in order to experience greater self-love and trust:
1. Self-Reflection: Start by taking time for self-reflection. Journaling can be a powerful tool to explore your thoughts, feelings, and past experiences. This practice allows you to uncover any lingering shame or guilt that may be holding you back. I suggest clients journal every day as a way to access their subconscious.
2. Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. When you make a mistake or feel shame, practice self-compassion by acknowledging your imperfections without judgment. Think of it this way, if other people like you … maybe you could like you? Try it.
3. Share Your Feelings: Open up to someone you trust, whether it's a friend, family member, therapist or coach. Sharing your vulnerabilities with others can be liberating and can deepen your sense of connection.
4. Set Boundaries: Establishing healthy boundaries is an act of self-care. It's okay to say no when you need to, and it's essential to communicate your needs and limits to others. Good boundaries help keep the right people in our lives and teach them how to treat us.
5. Embrace Imperfection: Understand that perfection is an unrealistic standard. Embrace your imperfections as part of what makes you unique and beautiful. Brené Brown reminds us that "vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness." Leonard Cohen said, “There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.”
6. Seek Professional Help: If shame and guilt are overwhelming, seeking the guidance of a therapist or life coach can be invaluable. They can provide tools and strategies to help you work through these emotions and build a stronger sense of self-love and trust.
The path to loving and trusting yourself starts with vulnerability. By acknowledging and embracing your imperfections, sharing your feelings, and setting healthy boundaries, you can break free from the grip of shame and guilt. Remember the words of Brené Brown and Esther Perel as you embark on this journey: vulnerability is the doorway to authentic connection, both with others and with yourself. It's the key to experiencing deep love and trust. Ultimately, it leads us to more successful and fulfilling lives.