It’s National Woman’s History month and I have been included in the Traverse Magazine issue of “Shining Bright - How this year’s North Stars are changing our world.” I feel very honored to be included with so many women who are making a difference in this world. Inside this issue you can read about my betrayal trauma story and the life after.
You can read the entire story here.
I often tell people, “Go First!” because I believe wholeheartedly that we cannot wait for others to share their story with us. We must be brave and go first in making connections, sharing and opening the door for conversation. This requires vulnerability and transparency. It requires us to be bold and courageous. It requires us to OWN our story.
Dr. Dan Allendar says it best, “Don’t tell your story until you love it.”
In this story I have written about the depths of betrayal trauma and grief to rising by finding my voice in comedy. I can tell you that I love where my story brought me. My voice had, over the years been eroded by relationships around me. I can hear Tony Robbins saying, “We promote what we permit.” Unknowingly, in my acceptance of others had permitted so much. I have since learned …
“Love may cover a multitude of sins but self betrayal will allow them all. ”
For the reader who has happened upon this blog, I want to speak to you. I want to share some insights that will help you navigate in the confusion of betrayal and the aftermath.
Here is what you need to know:
You didn’t do anything wrong. They did you wrong. If someone’s intent was to misguide you and cover their tracks, they worked very hard at that. In fact, while you were trusting them … they were taking full court advantage of this quality within you. Users are abusers. Don’t absorb their projections which were designed to distract you.
Get help. Do not be ashamed of hiring a betrayal trauma certified therapist to help you dig yourself out of a literal mind f*ck. This is especially helpful if you intend on repairing the relationship. A full-disclosure process should be handled by professionals ONLY.
Go no-contact as quickly as you can. If they acted as if you didn’t exist, you need to return the favor. This will save you from opportunities for the person who betrayed you to continue to manipulate the truth and keep you in a state of confusion. Any conversation or communication with them will more than likely fuel the flames of discord and entangle you in a narrative that you are no longer a part of, especially if they have left. If you cannot go no-contact due to children, divorce, etc. then I would suggest you use an attorney or mediators who can act as a liaison.
Tell the truth. It will feel as if you are betraying the person you loved by telling the truth of their behavior. I would like to remind you that they were not sorry when you didn’t know what they were doing. They are only sorry now because the truth has been revealed and they have been caught. In which case, telling the truth to those you trust will help you make sense of what happened and validate your experience. You do not need to share your story with everyone. Not every chapter has to be revealed. It will be important for you to speak the truth to those with whom it matters.
Heal thyself. The temptation is believing that the person who hurt you can heal you. They cannot. Create your team of support so that they can support your healing. There will be no justice in the way you fantasize about it. Invest that energy into creating a life that you are excited about. The only revenge is moving on and moving up. Time doesn’t heal - it’s how you spend it rebuilding your confidence, passions and purpose that will heal. Leave them in the rearview mirror and you speed ahead to reclaim the best version of you.
Art by Julliette Borda
As a coach, I don’t hand out maps to places I’ve never been. In this case, betrayal trauma and recovery is one I know. When I work with clients, I work with the WHOLE PERSON. Your relationships, career, your mental/emotional health and spiritual life. Integrating all parts of you is important in the process of moving forward. Having my own coach and therapist in my journey is what helped me put one foot in front of the other on days I didn’t want to exist.
Read on and believe that if endured it from every angle, I know you can.
Love,
Shea